PUMPKIN PATCH CONFESSIONS: Why I Could NEVER Survive as a Family Photographer

So, unlike years past, I was feeling pretty calm about this year's pumpkin patch photos. There is this quirky part of my personality that desires to hold onto the precious and fleeting days of my babies lives through photographs so I can sit on a couch and cry alligator tears when I am 50 and they are gone. So, after a decade of pumpkin patch photos I was pretty proud to be so surprisingly calm leading up to the big evening.

It just so happens that next Tuesday is our school's photo day and my boys were down to about 2 pairs of pants each this week. So we went clothes shopping. "Good,"  I thought, "They can wear a variation of their outfit to the patch. I am not going to even stress about whether or not their outfits coordinate. Good, I'm feeling good...this is going to be fun...real fun."
Who am I kidding?
You see, every year we send out this beautiful and calm photo of our family for our Christmas cards. Little does everyone know the sweat, stress and tears (...ok, not really tears, but you get my point) that I put my family through to get these pictures. I have literally sat on the couch and crocheted scarves because I couldn't find the right accessories. I make Tim deep clean the boys ears and finger and toe nails. I am like a crazy, giant cotton ball with my children's every crevice of dirt as my innocent target. We primp and prep like the Pope is coming to dinner. Outfits planned, I bleach my teeth (whatever!), everything is ironed, make up fresh, socks coordinated, every last hair in place. Seriously, I can admit it, I get out of hand... I may even have a teensy, weensy problem. So much focus last year lead to Tim and I forgetting Whitney's dress until we were 5 minutes gone. Oy. We all have our quirks, No?

Back to today...like I said, family fun. We are going to have family fun. Then there it was. The bench. The empty brown bench surrounded by hay bales, mums and pumpkins. It called my name and dared me to conquer it. I couldn't turn down a dare, could I? Surely this year, with Whitney being older, I could get at least ONE decent shot of 8 contacted eyes and 4 steady grins? Just one? ONE???
"OK kids," my pulse rising, "Let's sit over here for a family picture." Two children sat, 2 lagged behind. Again I called out, careful to keep my anticipation concealed. "Come on, let;s just get one of all of you...it will be fun." Liar. After about another 4 minutes and 26 seconds of beckoning I had carefully arranged all four of them and oriented their attention to the camera.
"Smile...ok, 1 2 3...CHEESE. Ok, let's do that again...1 2 3 CHEESE...ok, hey , please look...1 2 3 CHEESE..."
I will spare you the crescendo of events that followed but it pretty much ended like this:

HOW HARD CAN IT BE FOR YOU TO JUST LOOK INTO THE CAMERA AT THE SAME TIME FOR ONE SECOND! SERIOUSLY! JUST LOOK AT ME AND SMILE! I AM NOT KIDDING! AGAIN! AGAIN! AGAIN! AGAIN!...

I don't even care what innocent bystanders think about me when I get like this.

So Tim comes over, and I am so glad to finally have some emotional and parental support...except...WHAT? He puts his hands on my shoulders and moves me away? What is going on?
I begin to pour out my frustrations about how and who and what and why and...
Tim looks at me and says clear as day, "I am praying and believing for our Christmas photo shoot this year...and I am not above getting you some medical marijuana if you think that might help."

OMGOSH, that was the most unexpected thing I ever expected to hear out of his mouth.
I laughed until I cried.
I took a few breaths and in a fake sweet tone, I started over with my kids. Did I ever get all 8 eyes and 4 smiles in unison? No! But what I lack as a photographer and poster child for patience, my camera makes up for in effects.

So there, when you see them smiling, it may not be as 'real fun' as it seems...unless of course, they are laughing at the scariest Halloween concept of all:  their mother posing as a children's photographer!

*note: My husband is not really for legalizing marijuana. He is though, in fact, a funny and patient man.
**And please don't send me Self Help books or take me too seriously...my kids are fine, I hope.

 

I call this pic below: The Teenager

Rolling down the hill his pumpkin went...

Cole and Lil are not loving this:

Best one in my opinion: Whit is doing "Want you" hands

 

Big girl standing:

 LOOK at WHIT's FACE...hahahahahah